Uncategorized Oct 24, 2017

And why we need to stop resisting all the ways they are, and all the ways they are not.

My best friend’s name is Katerina and gees by Kaca {Kaa-cha}, and she lives in Prague. She’s got her s*@t together, she’s absolutely beautiful, accomplished, witty… and she’s never happy. I have watched her struggle through every single relationship, to the point that whenever she started dating someone new, I was already expecting a disaster.

Her downfall in relationships is a thought called:  ‘IT SHOULDN”T BE!!’.

When she started dating her husband, her and and Josef’s relationship was confrontational to say the least. Or maybe it wasn’t, maybe just her thoughts about the relationships were a bit confrontational. I couldn’t tell you.

Either way, the commitment, in her view, didn’t measure up to some mental construct she had of what the relationship should look like, and it was causing her to suffer. The relationship should look a certain way. She had a concept of the way things should be, and anything that departed from that view, caused an upset.

He should treat her a certain way.

He should listen to her more.

He should not be out with his buddies till 2 am drinking every Friday night.

He shouldn’t be sleeping in till 10 on the weekends, it just shouldn’t be!!! Great couples get up early and go on a hike (or something).

He should be more ambitious!

She should really not be with him!! What is wrong with her!

From where I was standing, with my slightly self-righteous judgmental attitude (okay, not just slightly), she was OBVIOUSLY INSANE, was suffering for no reason, had unreasonable expectations, should give it up, go meditate, go to her man and be happy, and for crying out out let the man sleep in on the weekends!

And then, I had a rare moment of clarity. Or more like i got hit over the head with something.

I SAW how I ruined every single relationship that I have ever been in with “they should be a certain way” and “this shouldn’t be” and ‘something is wrong here”.

Looking at my most recent relationship and I saw all my ‘shoulds’ about it.

He shouldn’t be angry.

He should be more attentive.

He should be more committed.

He should want babies with me (even if I don’t want babies with me)

AND, THIS IS A BIG ONE. Weirdly. And I’m almost ashamed to admit how big of a deal I made this out to be.  It might make no sense to you, but it caused about a 200 upsets.  He should pay for my dinner when we go out, no check splitting. In my view, this really shouldn’t be so. Men pay for women. He must not love me. I must not be worthy. And, there’s something wrong with me, what does it say about me if I date a guy that never pays for my dinner?

It was SO REAL for me I literally got secretly upset EVERY SINGLE TIME WE WENT OUT and split the check! Every, single, time! A YEAR IN A RELATIONSHIP and I am upset every single date-night, LONG BEFORE the check arrives, in the anticipation of my upset. I’m an upset waiting to happen, basically.

To give a credit for what I’m about to share, I’m reading a book #155 on personal growth, my obsession. The book is by Byron Katie and I have no idea what the name of the book is. But as I’m reading the book, I started looking at some of my belief systems.

Is it really true? That he should pay for my dinner?

Ugh. No. And, It is a completely made up thought that I decided to attach to to cause myself an upset.

And whenever I have that thought, what happens next is that I feel upset, frustrated, and humiliated.

If I never had that thought, what that would make available is almost unthinkable. Total ease, peace and connection. I might even ask: ‘Yo, you wanna pay for my food today?’. He might say yes, no, maybe, or negotiate a lower percentage split for me. I don’t know. But it wouldn’t be weird. Same way I don’t get weird if he doesn’t do 10,000 push-ups in the morning because I do not have a thought that he should.

So now what?

We need to start by dealing with that every time we are upset and we are pretending that we are at the effect of something, we are probably believing a thought that isn’t real. Noone is doing anything to us.

That’s all :)  



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