A Year in Review

Uncategorized Jan 03, 2022

Year Review → I call 2021 an enormous success beyond measure and beyond my wildest imagination.

Not for the reasons you think lol!

Yes, there was business success, 7-figure revenue in Q1, which…

lead me to states where I had to question everything and the ideas behind competence, success, achievement… and what followed was….

KALI.

I was made  aware of her presence recently, but I suspect that she’s been around “helping out”

at least since 2019 when 4 days into my pregnancy my lover left the country and I would never hear from him again to this day.

Who is Kali? A Hindu goddess of chaos and destruction who dresses in skulls and looks a little scary. Also the goddess of death and rebirth and transformation.

She will sweep in with seemingly random events and throws your life in chaos, out of love. When you aren't willing to tear your own life of pretenses down, she helps.

She's not gentle about it.

Neither am I, so I have immense appreciation for the “cut the crap” energy.

Magic happens. You are forced to purify, purify, purify.

What followed was an intense cleansing process.

Past trauma.

Relationship with self.

Narcissism.

Valuing weird stuff, like success for the sake of success.

Constant seeking and searching.

Needing to be respected or seen as a success.

Hiding and pretending (also known as lying) to others and to myself.

Judgmentalism.

Seeing others as more than/less than.

Control.

Endless pressure and carrying the world on my shoulders.

Perfectionism, superdoing, superwomaning.

And on and on and on.

If you think “what the heck Iva, what kind of hell were you living in?” - that seemed kind of normal, like normal ego stuff. A lot of it was not even conscious.

There was one thing, in particular, that was hell that brought grief so deep I could not even face it.

Months and months of resistance to spending time with my own daughter, who is just about the happiest most loving toddler and there was no logical reason for it.

I thought well, as a working mother-father 2-in-1, that’s just how it is.

I was always a good mom through it all, but I would count down to her bedtime so I could exhale.

Healing that, and falling back in love with her as well as with myself, was the biggest gift of 2021, but I had to heal everything else on the list for the heart to open back up.

I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I am to have had the resources, the teachers, the support to be able to dig this deep.

And so…

Going into 2022 I am…

WILLING!!!! (Screams on top of her lungs).

I trust so much the process (of life). I highly doubt 2022 will be smooth sailing but that is so not the point anyway.

I am willing to follow my soul and my heart even when I disappoint others and it's completely irrational and people think I have gone nuts (lol i have been told that this year too.)

I am willing to continue turning into goo anything that's not pure.

I am willing to experience and feel any emotion that arises.

Willing to stop, and do absolutely nothing when that is what is needed (that is the scariest one on the list.)

Willing to stop mid-sentence, if my soul and heart says stop.

Willing to let go of anything that stands between me and freedom and, willing to say or do ANYTHING that will free another.

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